Well, I notice that grueling and lonely have been two adjectives I've used recently in the blog. So it's time to clear away some cobwebs and air out some laundry. It's awfully stuffy in here.
It pains me to say that Beth and I will not be celebrating an anniversary this year, or presumably any other. Some of you already may know of what's happened in New Zealand, and though I've waited for weeks for the dust to clear and the air seem clearer, I see no reason to hide.
Who knows what it is really about?
When I asked questions she either had answers about which she was sure or she shrugged. She has always refused questions I’ve raised or connections I’ve made that weren’t felt by her then. Right then.
She has no answer to the point I’ve raised about having left so many friends, family and counselors behind us over the sea. She’s replaced them here with a revolving coterie of predominantly younger, single artist types. Ironically, the half dozen marrieds and\or couples we've made as friends have, for the most part been reduced to the background. It's tough when your married friends are suddenly no more.
I do not write these words for revenge. I write after having drawn inside myself for weeks now examining what I'd done wrong, why this is happening, what should I do now? All virtually unanswerable.
I write them because the truth is above all important to me. Even if there is no one here for me to share reality, it is no less itself, right? Whatever the words may mean to anyone else, I need to hold to objective truth, especially when it seems that there are none anymore. I've been unable to understand (who has?, what's to understand?!?).
Until recently I believed our marriage vows epitomized a truth, but life has a way of catching you broadside. I'm just clearing the decks.
So count your blessings, snuggle right tonight. I'll remember every one of you whose faith helped to hold me fast over the years. Never since I was a child did I feel so much hope and love as in marrying in your presence. I'll never forget it. Thank You!
Postscript: I'll be riding what's left of the grand intersea and air transport infrastructure into the States in a couple of weeks. Don't know what happens after that. I hope I can see you!
